“Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve”. – Earl Grollman

Most people are familiar with the idea of grief and many are even aware of the stages of grief. While it may be understood that intense emotions are expected after losing someone that matters, we don’t often think about what it may be like to anticipate the loss of a loved one.

Elizabeth Kubler Ross wrote in her book “On Death and Dying” that grief could be divided into 5 stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. While these stages might be more well known, what is not often common knowledge is that she established these based on the common experiences of patients diagnosed with a terminal disease. So perhaps a more accurate description of these stages would be what to expect in anticipatory or preparatory grief.

One small benefit of anticipatory grief is the ability to plan and prepare for a loss. While this doesn’t necessarily reduce the grieving process after the loss, it does give us time instead of the shock of a sudden loss.

What to expect: You might find that you experience many of the emotions listed above such as anger or sadness. These emotions could change from minute to minute and the intensity a vary. You may also find that you have difficulty concentrating or controlling your emotions at times. Anxiety is common as you prepare for your loss and all the unknowns ahead. Intense preoccupation may also occur as you find yourself hyper-focused on the loved one you are preparing to lose.

“Our animal friends teach us more than we could have expected, and love us more than we could have hoped. That’s why we miss them more than we could have imagined. ” – Unknown

What can I do to help prepare for the loss of my pet?

As Megan Devine, author of “It’s okay that you’re not okay” says, there is a difference between pain and suffering. The price of love and loss is pain. We can’t avoid that, but we can do things to help care for ourselves. Show yourself extra compassion and self care. Pre-plan self care following difficult moments so there something positive and calming to look forward to after a difficult experience. Show yourself compassion and kindness. Make sure you are eating, staying hydrated, and getting sleep when you can.

You may also want to have photos taken or paw prints made prior to your dog’s passing to memorialize them after they are gone. Record videos of them or put together a phonebook of all your wonderful memories together. Spend time doing things you and your dog love and make new memories.

Where can I get Support?

Reach out to family and friends and let them know how you are feeling. Many who have pets will understand the love and connection we have with our pets and how painful their loss can be. Toby’s Hope will be providing support groups online and in person, which may be helpful. Check in with yourself to see what might be a helpful way to process what you are feeling. Some people like to journal about their feelings, others prefer to talk through them. It may also be helpful to enlist the help of a therapist to help you process your emotions and have someone to listen to your experience.

Some people feel silly or embarrassed by the strength of their emotions at the anticipated loss of their pet. There’s no need to feel those things. The love of a pet is one of the purest loves there is. We don’t often have the same kind of complicated relationships with pets as we do with people. Their love is unconditional which can make their loss all the more difficult.

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard” -Winnie the Pooh

About the author:

Elizabeth works full time as a therapist for Lyra Health and at her private practice. She holds a Master’s degree in professional counseling from Lindenwood University, a Master’s Degree in feature film screenwriting from Royal Holloway, University of London, and a Bachelor’s degree in media communication from Webster University.